Adam And Eve – The TRASH Version!!

Adam And Eve features many many things that make it lovable.  When you start a film with the creation of Earth followed by a cosmic placenta spewing out Mark Gregory, who writhes like Lina Romay and seems to have the body shape of a very large woman you just know things are going to be alright.  Out pops Adam, and our rock god looking hero, with giant lips, wanders the earth alone. But what is missing?  Ah yes…head to the beach Adam. He builds a woman out of sand, and when it begins to rain he lays on top of his sculpture buddy-and from beneath the sand appears a very hot nude woman for our pal Trash!

Andrea Goldman did one film, and boy I bet she doesn’t bust it out for company. But I’ll be revisiting it! 
The duo wander through the garden of Eden happily and nudedityly and it sure does look like fun.  Until something slithers in and begins to tempt our lovely lady.  Try the appllllllle.

Well, Eve comes off pretty damn bad here, as she just can’t stand bearing the masculine manner of Adam and defies his demands that she ignore the scaly slinkers sensuous solicitations. NO! I’m gonna eat the crap outta that apple she says, and starts chomping with a lust that pulled a creationist trick and produced a mysterious erection in my pants.  Golly.  Adam can’t stop himself and goes against the unwritten words of his master.  They eat the HELL outta that apple!!

BOOM. Bad weather.  Adam and Eve get chased around by primal forces! A giant animated rock chases the duo!!  A crazy ass killer bird thing appears!!!  God is punishing our pals by taking away creation and replacing it with evolution!!  Cavemen!!!  Advanced Cavemen!!!!! Creatures!!!! Creatures that get it ooooooon. 

Now, Eve sees some gettin’ it oooooon and again decides that she is in charge.  One raised rump and it’s passion in the pit of Godly displeasure.  If swapping creation for evolution means Andrea Goldman offering herself up, I’m down with that.  The pair wander and struggle for a bit and eventually run afoul of some rugged cavefolk that are either going to eat them or worship them.  Luckily some more advanced men and women are out there as well, and the two rungs on the ladder of devolution are duking it out.  Adam and Eve are separated however. And sadness begins as Adam wanders the world seeking his woman.

Amongst all the awesome battling one jungle dweller does, he also gets pretty tight with Eve until the inevitable happens. Yep, the God Forged Cock of Adam is satisfying, but the Primal Penile Pounding of the savages is surely on the menu in this brave new world.  Eve takes to the task handily.  Rumps are raised and when Adam returns, things aren’t all big lips n’ fig leaves anymore.  Nope. There is anger, jealousy and a guy in a big bear suit that the two different men must do battle with.  In the end, as exciting as the jungle boogie was, Eve chooses the guy who made her out of sand. 

While the pair of original sinners basically get treated to Godly therapy by being forced to wander the earth, somehow ending up at the North Pole thanks to a cave passage, we get to see that not only is Eve tough on Adam at times, but once she gets pregnant…Oh man, no pickles and ice cream here. 

And then it ends.
I wish this movie was 11 hours long.

There are lots of things to love about this movie. From it’s premise to execution, the fun never stops! We have a creation story that turns into Land Of The Lost thanks to Eve and her taste for apples and other fleshy pleasures.  So, the punishment of sin is evolution?  Pretty damn cool, and I love how it all just happens in an instant. Punishment doesn’t take more than 90 minutes of screentime, this is hardly an epic of length, but it is fast paced and doesn’t let up.  I’ll take that over long talky bits anyday.

Also, the crummy full frame presentations of the past didn’t show off how lush the film looks. Thanks to a fansubbed edition using a widescreen edition in Italian the garden of Eden looks really amazing and the make-up effects are very nice.  You won’t get a gore fest, but there are monster dinosaurs and a crazy bear suit battle that I don’t think I’ll be forgetting any time soon. 
The actors do a reasonably good job, most everyone is mute barring the leads-and Mark Gregory really just needs to stand around and even look…gasp…vulnerable.  With his rather massive Mick Jagger pout on you’ll sort of feel for the henpecked Adam-he seems like a good enough guy that is just trying to get by in another day in paradise.

There is a groovy element that bears noting, and that would be the stunningly cool score by The De Angelis Brothers. They are channeling their Yorrific side as the caveman action ensues, and have no fear about dropping in some wonderfully garbled English language popsongs during the interludes of lovin’ tenderness.  I was bobbing my head and thinking that I need to add these songs to my soundtrack rotation the entire time.

Director / Producer Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo also produced the great Blue Lagoon rip off Blue Island around the same time–I guess I’m going to need to revisit that one to get my fix of this duos dynamic love of nudity and shameless strangeness!  Do I really need a reason to watch a naked Sabrina Siani? Nah, I’m going in!!!

Trash Cinema gold, Adam And Eve will create a Cinerection from the materials in your brain and evolve it into a full blown caveman club!

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